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Commenting was the way I contributed to fandom when I joined four years ago. I was married and trying to explore the parts of me that were awakening in fandom, but struggling to show my husband it wasn't threatening to us or a burden on my time. I promised him I'd never write fic. And I mostly didn't.
What I did do was read carefully, thoroughly, and comment.
The story just simmered and smoldered and erupted so violently, and sensually, even without any smut--their connection and trust forged so fragily, against all reason, but because of this thing between them.
That's from a comment I left on The Magician's Gifts. I wrote three paragraphs about Harry's transgressive behavior and why it felt so personal to me. Here's another excerpt of my comment:
And so Malfoy offers Harry the chance to act out some of this pent up frustration with his new life. It is dangerous, yes, but right. And Harry can’t resist it. This is what resonates with me, because I am also somewhat of a rule-breaker/unconventional person who has chosen a safe, conventional life as a stay-at-home mom of three little kids in suburbia. I drive a minivan, for fuck’s sake. And I have felt my passion for things political or social-reform get watered down and watered down until I feel just like Harry: [We're fighting it, Harry wanted to say bleakly. We're working through it, and soon... soon... Fine words. They didn't change a thing.] As though voting for against a bad law would be enough. Or in my case, voting for a presidential candidate or even writing a check for an environmental organization would be enough. Me, who started a liberal newspaper at my Ivy League university, who had a career in marine conservation, who organized Take Back the Night marches, who spoke at National Coming Out Day rallies.
I am sharing these with you here because most people won't ever read them again on livejournal. For some reason, LJ has deleted, or hidden, comments from deleted journals. Those of you who met me as anna_unfolding may not know I posted regularly about my sex life with Sam, about my marriage and my struggles. But it was fics like that one that compelled the kind of comment that reads like a harninger of what was to come: a full coming out, a year of discernment, an emotional affair with a women, and ultimately divorce.
But my comments aren't just a personal record of my evolving self-understanding. They were the way in which I contributed to a fandom as a non-fic writer. My adulation and meta meant something to writers. Authors as talented and renowned as Frayach once responded that she'd take one shoeboxer4life over a hundred generic commenters because I dwelt so deeply with her work.
I also had friendships at that time that are no longer, with people I love dearly. Our exchanges are also now missing, like big black empty spots in otherwise sunny posts about film canon and romance tropes and the characterization of topping. The bolded "deleted comment", and the missing conversations they refer to, mirror the dark hole in my life where those friendships once were.
It's unconscionable to me that Livejournal would disrespect the nature of blogging, community, and journaling this way. I was prepared to lose my posts when I deleted my lj; I saved them and the comments within them to my hard drive. But I had no idea the public thoughts and exchanges in comments would be wiped off the visible screen of fandom.
I did begin writing fic at the end of my time as shoeboxer4life, though. When I finally let myself write the story I needed to tell, the story itself showed me I needed to leave my marriage, that the most beautiful parts of me were being erased in this relationship with Sam. I refuse to let any parts of myself get wiped away: not by a marriage I decided on far too young, and not by the website I use for fandom, either.
I don't yet know how to do it all, but I am moving to dreamwidth. As of today.
Would you please let me know if you are over here at DW so I can add you? I'll be sorting through my flist and figuring out importing and all that jazz in the next week or so. Thanks.
What I did do was read carefully, thoroughly, and comment.
The story just simmered and smoldered and erupted so violently, and sensually, even without any smut--their connection and trust forged so fragily, against all reason, but because of this thing between them.
That's from a comment I left on The Magician's Gifts. I wrote three paragraphs about Harry's transgressive behavior and why it felt so personal to me. Here's another excerpt of my comment:
And so Malfoy offers Harry the chance to act out some of this pent up frustration with his new life. It is dangerous, yes, but right. And Harry can’t resist it. This is what resonates with me, because I am also somewhat of a rule-breaker/unconventional person who has chosen a safe, conventional life as a stay-at-home mom of three little kids in suburbia. I drive a minivan, for fuck’s sake. And I have felt my passion for things political or social-reform get watered down and watered down until I feel just like Harry: [We're fighting it, Harry wanted to say bleakly. We're working through it, and soon... soon... Fine words. They didn't change a thing.] As though voting for against a bad law would be enough. Or in my case, voting for a presidential candidate or even writing a check for an environmental organization would be enough. Me, who started a liberal newspaper at my Ivy League university, who had a career in marine conservation, who organized Take Back the Night marches, who spoke at National Coming Out Day rallies.
I am sharing these with you here because most people won't ever read them again on livejournal. For some reason, LJ has deleted, or hidden, comments from deleted journals. Those of you who met me as anna_unfolding may not know I posted regularly about my sex life with Sam, about my marriage and my struggles. But it was fics like that one that compelled the kind of comment that reads like a harninger of what was to come: a full coming out, a year of discernment, an emotional affair with a women, and ultimately divorce.
But my comments aren't just a personal record of my evolving self-understanding. They were the way in which I contributed to a fandom as a non-fic writer. My adulation and meta meant something to writers. Authors as talented and renowned as Frayach once responded that she'd take one shoeboxer4life over a hundred generic commenters because I dwelt so deeply with her work.
I also had friendships at that time that are no longer, with people I love dearly. Our exchanges are also now missing, like big black empty spots in otherwise sunny posts about film canon and romance tropes and the characterization of topping. The bolded "deleted comment", and the missing conversations they refer to, mirror the dark hole in my life where those friendships once were.
It's unconscionable to me that Livejournal would disrespect the nature of blogging, community, and journaling this way. I was prepared to lose my posts when I deleted my lj; I saved them and the comments within them to my hard drive. But I had no idea the public thoughts and exchanges in comments would be wiped off the visible screen of fandom.
I did begin writing fic at the end of my time as shoeboxer4life, though. When I finally let myself write the story I needed to tell, the story itself showed me I needed to leave my marriage, that the most beautiful parts of me were being erased in this relationship with Sam. I refuse to let any parts of myself get wiped away: not by a marriage I decided on far too young, and not by the website I use for fandom, either.
I don't yet know how to do it all, but I am moving to dreamwidth. As of today.
Would you please let me know if you are over here at DW so I can add you? I'll be sorting through my flist and figuring out importing and all that jazz in the next week or so. Thanks.
